Codependency and Therapy

What is codependency and how can therapy help with it?

In his best-selling book, John Bradshaw wrote, “Much has been written about codependency. All agree that it is about the loss of selfhood,” (1). While being trained at the former Bay Area affiliate of the John Bradshaw center one of my supervisors would quote Bradshaw as saying that codependency was the ‘disease of the lost self.’ But what does this really mean? In order to understand this, we need to know about the conditions in which codependency forms.

Codependency refers to a pattern or set of patterns wherein we disconnect from the truth or reality of our own embodied experience. Why would one do this? We do this because we have learned that something about our experience is threatening to the stability of our relationship to a significant other.

In the process of disconnecting from ourselves, we experience several trickle-down impacts. These impacts are summarized in this list from Pia Melody:

Codependents have difficulty

1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem

2. Setting functional boundaries

3. Owning and expressing their own reality

4. Taking care of their adult needs and wants

5. Experiencing and expressing their reality moderately (2)

Many definitions of codependency are vague, misleading, or simply non-existent (3). When I refer to codependency I am referring to an observable internal dynamic that takes shape in external relationships. In other words, the pattern is observable in how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to others. These dynamics are formed through the course of our emotional development, and thus in response to our primary caretakers. This is why Bradshaw goes on to say that codependency is a “disease of the developing self that does not manifest fully until one is in an adult relationship,” (1).

Many people think they had a normal childhood. However when we look deeper, they realize they experienced a lack of emotional support. As adults they now find it difficult to feel and express their true feelings. Furthermore, if they were shamed for having certain feelings, this adds to the difficulty. Now their feelings can also be experienced as threatening to their sense of security.

People-pleasing, fawning, feigning, and other protections.

Codependency is often connected with people-pleasing. Why is that? If we learn that our emotional experience can lead to a threat to our sense of security with a significant other, we need to find a way to mitigate that threat. In trauma-informed practice most people are familiar with the fight, flight, and freeze responses. More recently clinicians have begun to connect “fawning” and “feigning” as a systemic response to threat. People pleasing falls under the category of these two. Each are strategies to to avoid conflict and the potential threat it entails. Each ultimately require us to disconnect from our true needs, desires, and emotions - some may say our true selves.

While the strategies of fawning and feigning are very much a part of the codependency presentation, they are not the only defenses that can operate under this moniker. The truth is each person may rely on defenses a little differently. If we have learned to disconnect from our feelings we may also do so unconsciously through repression, denial, and dissociation. We may rationalize our true feelings away. We may minimize our hurt or anger in order to avoid conflict. All of these processes are meant to mitigate the potential for threat.

The problem with such protective strategies is that over time they erode our ability to experience genuine fulfillment and connection in our relationships. So for this reason, in my work with clients I focus on both practical skills around helping them identify and express feelings when they struggle to do so. I help them learn how their feelings are vital to their relationship to themselves and others. I help clients to connect their feelings to their relational needs, desires, and boundaries. I have seen these practical skills have a transformative effect on my clients time and time again. They help clients develop a healthy sense of self-esteem, competence in setting limits, verbalizing their needs and emotions. This often results in a lessening of internal conflict and a capacity to manage conflicts in relationship with significantly less drama and sense of threat.

At a certain point in our work, I will help the client to start to connect with their inner child. As we learn practical skills to manage our emotions, we can then begin to deepen awareness into how these patterns, or as I call them ‘templates,’ began to develop in the first place. This often brings up feelings of fear, grief, and/or anger that have been disconnected from for a long time. We develop a relationship to the embodied inner child experience so that this part of us can begin to an internalize a compassion, patient, and tolerant relationship. As this part of us begins to develop trust that we can hold it lovingly, they don’t have to rely on other ways to protect themselves which create damaging consequences which could include: low self-esteem, dissociation, dis-satisfying relationships, shame spirals, depression, and anxiety.

The good news is that it is possible to experience significant growth and healing from these patterns. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you are interested in learning more about how I work with codependency in therapy.

(1) Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame That Binds You (p. 34).

(2)Mellody, Pia; Wells Miller, Andrea; Miller, J. Keith. Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives . Kindle Edition.

(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Boundaries 101

Boundaries are an often cited, yet commonly misconstrued psychological idea. Difficulty with boundaries is one of the most common issues I see with clients dealing with a variety of presenting problems—from anxiety, and depression to life transitions and relationship conflict. I had the good fortune of completing a two year training with the former Bay Area affiliate of the John Bradshaw Center where a premium was placed on learning boundaries.

Perhaps the easiest example of a boundary system is that of the cell wall. Simply put, cell walls keep out the bad stuff and let in the good stuff. While that may be an oversimplification, it is a helpful guiding principal. Similarly, our boundaries are a part of our emotional self-care system. They express a limit, whether that be physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or spiritual. When we have poor boundaries, we open ourselves to harmful experiences or dissatisfactory relationships. On the other hand, if we have too rigid of boundaries, we might not let in some of the emotional nourishment we need.

I teach people that boundaries are always connected to our feelings and needs. You might say that feelings are our best guides to our needs and limits. Often when people come to therapy, they have difficulty identifying their feelings. This is common, and not a reason to feel shame. However, when we have difficulty identifying our feelings, it is very hard to ask for what we need in relationship and to set limits.

The first step in having good boundaries is to develop awareness of our feeling states. How do I experience myself when I am angry? Sad? Ashamed? Scared? Hurt? Knowing the cues to these emotional experiences allow us to plug into our emotional self-care system, to clearly define our needs and limits. For example if I know I am sad, I might just need to ask for some reassurance or for someone else to listen while I express my feelings. If I’m frustrated or resentful with someone else, its very possible I have been neglecting my boundaries. If these feelings arise, there is always an opportunity to check in with myself and say… “Do I have a limit here that I haven’t expressed?” “Is there something I am needing that I haven’t asked for?”

Boundary work is a practice. It’s an ongoing learning process that takes time, self-observation, and self-love. We are all works in progress. I am confident that you can learn boundary skills and that knowing these skills will benefit you greatly. I will post more in the future about this very important topic, but for now… be well!

5 Tips For Cultivating a Meditation Practice During COVID

Despite the challenges that it presents, living in the time of COVID also offers us a unique opportunity to look at how we practice self-care. Of all the forms of self-care practice, perhaps the most commonly recommended is meditation, or mindfulness. In this post, I am going to discuss some tips for developing a regular meditation practice. I have practiced meditation in fits and starts since I was 20 years old, with extended periods of daily meditation. It changed my life, and it could very well change yours. So here it goes:

1. Consistency is the best way to practice. In almost all cases, is better to practice a little (5-10 mins) regularly than a lot rarely. Meditation is a form of workout for your mind. When we work out, we start small and build up. Other ways to help stay consistent is to develop a routine. Try choosing the same time every day, or meditate after you do something else that you do everyday (e.g. brushing your teeth). Try meditating in the same place. Find what works for you, and do your best to commit to that daily.

2. Don’t judge your practice. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “I’m not sure meditation works for me… I was so distracted while trying to meditate!” People often think they are supposed to be laser focused from the get go during meditation. While some advanced meditators may get to that stage (so I have heard) for most of us this is NOT realistic as we start out… In fact, distraction is a normal part of meditation! What is important is that you are paying attention. It is best to not place such high expectations on our meditation practice, and to see it as a process of learning about our minds.

3. Try some different meditations, but then stick to one practice that you connect to. I am all for people trying different meditations. There are apps that may guide you through several different kinds of meditations. However, at a certain point if we are trying so many different meditations we might end up getting confused. We might not be able to develop a rhythm or relationship with that practice. In meditation the idea is that we are not giving ourselves MORE to think about. Therefore, I suggest that once you find a practice you connect to that you give it some time to go deeper with. That is not to say you have to be locked in forever, just try being consistent with one practice for a month or two. If you feel inclined to try something else after that, then go for it. If you are comfortable in your practice at that time, then keep it up!

4. Be kind to yourself. If you miss a session, don’t beat yourself up. If you are so distracted during a session that you lose hope, don’t worry. You are human, and meditation is not about being perfect. There is no benefit to shaming or putting undue pressure on yourself. Rather, try to remember what motivates you to meditate. What is good about it. Meditation is a privilege, not an obligation. It is something to do for your health and well-being out of self-love, not self-hatred.

5. Enjoy it. This one might seem difficult if you are new to meditation, and just learning how much your thoughts run the show. Yet, I am very confident that if you stick with it, you will find pockets deep enjoyment that come with giving our minds the opportunity to rest. No need to chase the experience, but when it shows up its okay to appreciate it and gently remind yourself that this is one of the greatest gifts you can offer to you!