Boundaries 101
Boundaries are an often cited, yet commonly misconstrued psychological idea. Difficulty with boundaries is one of the most common issues I see with clients dealing with a variety of presenting problems—from anxiety, and depression to life transitions and relationship conflict. I had the good fortune of completing a two year training with the former Bay Area affiliate of the John Bradshaw Center where a premium was placed on learning boundaries.
Perhaps the easiest example of a boundary system is that of the cell wall. Simply put, cell walls keep out the bad stuff and let in the good stuff. While that may be an oversimplification, it is a helpful guiding principal. Similarly, our boundaries are a part of our emotional self-care system. They express a limit, whether that be physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or spiritual. When we have poor boundaries, we open ourselves to harmful experiences or dissatisfactory relationships. On the other hand, if we have too rigid of boundaries, we might not let in some of the emotional nourishment we need.
I teach people that boundaries are always connected to our feelings and needs. You might say that feelings are our best guides to our needs and limits. Often when people come to therapy, they have difficulty identifying their feelings. This is common, and not a reason to feel shame. However, when we have difficulty identifying our feelings, it is very hard to ask for what we need in relationship and to set limits.
The first step in having good boundaries is to develop awareness of our feeling states. How do I experience myself when I am angry? Sad? Ashamed? Scared? Hurt? Knowing the cues to these emotional experiences allow us to plug into our emotional self-care system, to clearly define our needs and limits. For example if I know I am sad, I might just need to ask for some reassurance or for someone else to listen while I express my feelings. If I’m frustrated or resentful with someone else, its very possible I have been neglecting my boundaries. If these feelings arise, there is always an opportunity to check in with myself and say… “Do I have a limit here that I haven’t expressed?” “Is there something I am needing that I haven’t asked for?”
Boundary work is a practice. It’s an ongoing learning process that takes time, self-observation, and self-love. We are all works in progress. I am confident that you can learn boundary skills and that knowing these skills will benefit you greatly. I will post more in the future about this very important topic, but for now… be well!