Boundaries 101: Tips for Stronger Connections

Boundaries are an often cited, yet commonly misconstrued psychological idea. Difficulty with boundaries is one of the most common issues I see with clients dealing with a variety of presenting problems—from anxiety, and depression to life transitions and relationship conflict. I had the good fortune of completing a two year training with the former Bay Area affiliate of the John Bradshaw Center where a premium was placed on learning boundaries.

Establishing clear boundaries and autonomy is essential for fostering healthier relationships, allowing individuals to maintain their personal integrity while showing respect for others. Without understanding what our boundaries are, it will be very difficult to develop healthy self-esteem. By setting expectations and communicating openly, they nurture mutual understanding and trust. Practicing self-awareness helps them recognize their limits and convey them confidently, which reduces misunderstandings. Empathy, patience, and assertiveness are vital in ensuring that their boundaries are respected and reciprocated. Adhering to these practices, individuals find themselves more connected, balanced, and fulfilled in their interactions.

Boundaries 101: What are Boundaries?

Perhaps the easiest example of a boundary system is that of the cell wall. Simply put, cell walls keep out the bad stuff and let in the good stuff. While that may be an oversimplification, it is a helpful guiding principal. Similarly, our boundaries are a part of our emotional self-care system. They express a limit, whether that be physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or spiritual. When we have poor boundaries or fail at setting limits, we open ourselves to harmful experiences or dissatisfactory relationships. On the other hand, if we have too rigid of boundaries, we might not let in some of the emotional nourishment we need.

The idea that boundaries are always connected to our feelings and needs is fundamental. Feelings serve as our best guides to understanding our needs and limits. Often, when individuals seek therapy, they struggle to identify their feelings. This is a common experience and not a reason to feel shame, but recognizing it can be the first step toward setting limits effectively. However, when we have difficulty identifying our feelings, it becomes very challenging to ask for what we need in relationships and to set limits. Recognizing and articulating our emotions is the first step towards establishing healthy boundaries, which in turn fosters stronger connections and personal growth.

How do I figure out my boundaries?

The first step in having good boundaries is to develop awareness of our feeling states. How do I experience myself when I am angry? Sad? Ashamed? Scared? Hurt? Knowing the cues to these emotional experiences allow us to plug into our emotional self-care system, to clearly define our needs and limits. For example if I know I am sad, I might just need to ask for some reassurance or for someone else to listen while I express my feelings. If I’m frustrated or resentful with someone else, it's very possible I have been neglecting my boundaries due to people-pleasing. If these feelings arise, there is an opportunity to check in with myself and say… “Do I have a limit here that I haven’t expressed?” “Is there something I am wanting that I haven’t asked for?”

- ** Awareness of Emotions **: Recognize and understand self-feelings.
- ** Expressing Needs **: Communicate clearly and confidently.
- ** Identifying Limits **: Determine personal boundaries.
- ** Empathy and Patience **: Foster mutual respect and understanding.
- ** Assertiveness **: Ensure boundaries are respected and maintained.

Boundary work is a practice.** It’s an ongoing learning process that takes time, self-observation, and self-love. We are all works in progress. I am confident that you can learn boundary skills and that knowing these skills will benefit you greatly.

Differentiating Needs, Boundaries, and Desires

Understanding the distinction between needs, boundaries, and desires is crucial for healthy relationships. Needs are essential for our well-being and must be met for us to thrive. Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our needs and maintain our mental and emotional health. Desires, on the other hand, are things we want but are not essential for our survival or well-being. Recognizing these differences helps us communicate more effectively and ensures that our relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

Needs - Are what we need in order to maintain a sense of security and/or connection in our relationship. Ex. “I really need you to hear that when you call me names, it hurts me. The impact is that I feel less connected to you, and that I feel I need to defend myself.”

Boundaries - Are a kind of need that is specifically related to a limit or threshold. Ex. “When you call me names it hurts me. Please do not do this [boundary]. If you continue to call me names, I will need to end our conversation until you are willing to talk with me without doing so [clear articulation of what I will if my limit continues to be crossed] "

Desires - At times, the functional difference between having a desire and a need is minimal ex. “I need you to hear me,” vs. “I want you to hear me.” In this example both are related to requests. Whether we say want or need, we are still making a request in our relationship. However, I still think it is good to cultivate our own discernment around this. There are times where it will be useful. Ex. “I'd really like to go to dinner with you tomorrow night [desire].” vs. “I really need to go to dinner with you tomorrow night.” You could make an argument that you need to go to dinner, however I suspect that that is not very specific in this circumstance. The need is more likely related to quality time or another relational need that is then being filtered through a desire.

If we say “I need to go to dinner with you,” well it is not entirely clear from the context why that is essential for my connection with you. It could represent that there are layers of feelings that need to be addressed in order to return to connection. Ex. “I notice that we have been spending less quality time together lately. I recognize that I really need quality time with you in order to feel connected in our relationship. I'd love [desire] to have a date night next week and go to dinner and share quality time. Are you open to that? I am also open to suggestions for other ways to spend quality time.”

Respecting Others' Boundaries: A Guide

Respecting the boundaries of others begins with acknowledging their needs and feelings. It involves listening actively and empathetically to understand their limits and responding with sensitivity and consideration. This practice strengthens mutual trust and respect.

When individuals honor the boundaries set by others, they foster a sense of security in their relationships. This mutual respect facilitates more open and honest communication, allowing each party to feel valued and understood.

Moreover, practicing patience and understanding when others communicate their boundaries is key. Recognizing that everyone’s limits may evolve with time helps in nurturing a more adaptable and resilient bond, embracing both growth and change.

Ultimately, honoring boundaries is a testament to the care and respect that one has for their relationships. By balancing empathy and assertiveness, individuals can build deeper, more meaningful connections that stand the test of time.

Boundaries and Therapy

Therapy can help individuals learn to identify their boundaries and practice setting them. Through therapeutic guidance, people can begin to understand where they get stuck in the process and explore the underlying reasons for their difficulties. The therapist can provide invaluable support by offering guidance, modeling healthy boundary-setting behaviors, and supplying resources tailored to the individual's needs. This collaborative effort not only aids in the immediate establishment of boundaries but also fosters long-term personal growth and resilience. By engaging in therapy, individuals can develop the skills necessary to maintain healthy boundaries, leading to more fulfilling and balanced relationships.

Dr. Scott Menasco is an expert in working with boundaries. He has extensive training, experience, and knowledge in helping folks learn to set appropriate limits. He sees clients online in California. His therapy office is based out of the San Francisco Bay Area including an in-person office in Petaluma, CA. Contact him here or schedule a free consultation if you'd like to talk to him about therapy may help you.