What is “healthy,” masculinity?
Unveiling Healthy Masculinity: A Relationship-Based Approach
There is a lot out there about toxic masculinity, but what is healthy masculinity? There is no consensus definition of healthy masculinity. This may be since there are so many different variables that contribute both to our conception of health and what masculinity really is. In this article, I am going to propose a heuristic of healthy masculinity.
To start it is important to note that what is considered masculine could be defined differently by different people, cultures. I will be using an ad hoc definition of masculinity as being identities, perceptions, behaviors, archetypes, and stereotypes commonly associated with maleness.
Health is also slippery in terms of definition. Here I am going to use a relational definition- that health in this context is defined by being pro-relational, or relationship-affirming. This will be evident as we go forward.
So let’s make our heuristic!
1. Healthy masculinity is relationship-affirming
2. Healthy masculinity is not shame-based
3. Healthy masculinity entails having a relationship with our emotions
4. Healthy masculinity allows me to love my maleness
5. Healthy masculinity allows me to admit my vulnerability
6. Healthy masculinity is not hateful
7. Healthy masculinity entails creative self-expression
8. Healthy masculinity recognizes it’s dependence and cultivates a relationship with the archetypal Feminine.
Let’s go through each in a little more depth.
Health masculinity is relationship-affirming
Relationship-affirming means recognizes the value of relating to others and holding them in esteem. Relationship-affirming also means recognizing that we are relational beings and therefor fostering attitudes towards our relationships that promote concern, harmony, strength, and gratitude. If we are constantly criticizing others and finding flaws in them, this is not a relationship-affirming behavior.
Healthy masculinity is not shame-based
One of the major contributors to toxic masculinity is toxic shame. Many men have experienced being shamed for having emotions, or having a behavior that is not stereotypically associated with maleness (for example). This toxic male conditioning utilizes shame as it’s instrument. Shame is the process through which the male becomes enculturated to these beliefs, ideologies, ideas, etc. Think of how important being accepted by a group of our peers is if we were, say, in the wild as hunter-gatherers. Toxic male conditioning enculturates men through the threat of shame, and shame is simply a large threat. If we thought we could be expelled by our pack, our chances of survival would be much less. Likewise, Healthy Masculinity doesn’t shame others. Knowing the pain of shame such masculinity seeks to actively not contribute more to others and the world.
Healthy masculinity entails having a relationship with our emotions
If as a man I have to suppress, deny, disavow, project, and/or dissociate from my feelings, it will be impossible for me to be emotionally healthy. Likewise, it will be very difficulty for me to participate in a relationship in a healthy way. What I cannot accept inside myself, I will have trouble accepting in someone else. So, if I want to form secure, nourishing and enriching relationships it is essential that I can relate to my own emotions.
Healthy masculinity allows me to love my maleness
There is a history of patriarchal violence and if one reduces that to maleness then one might consider maleness to be the main problem. However, if we want to move away from patriarchal dominance hierarchies, we need to find a way to love what it means to be a man. Men are often stereotyped and objectified and quite simply, objectification is not love. Love means we embrace the diversity of life-giving and creative expressions of maleness. We find a way to develop acceptance and appreciation for how our conditioning has impacted us, and choose to live consciously in ways that men have been trained not to do.
Healthy masculinity allows me to admit my vulnerability
Vulnerability is a word that commonly used, but rarely clearly defined. Vulnerability is an acknowledgement of the risk of exposing the truth of our present moment experience. Others might reject us, shame us, ridicule us. Others might have their own emotional reaction that is painful to us. Others can be hurt by our expression. Admitting vulnerability doesn’t mean that I over share or share everything to every person. Rather it means that have the capacity to come forward with what is true for me in important relationships when it is called for.
Healthy masculinity is not hateful
The cultivation of hate is not emotionally healthy. Full stop. We might uncover layers of hatred in if we are in therapy, or diving deeply into our body-mind process. This is more about our conditioning, and the goal of doing so is to consciously free ourselves of that hatred. However, to cultivate hatred towards any other will only lead to our own suffering. When we become aware of hatred, that means we have work to do in letting go.
Healthy masculinity entails creative self-expression
Suppression does not create emotional health. So we need to be creative in finding ways to express ourselves. Everyone has different styles, interests, and personalities. Our journeys are individual to us, and therefore we need to cultivate adaptation to our circumstances so that we do not need to rely on suppression as our primary strategy for working with our internal states.
Healthy masculinity recognizes it’s dependence and cultivates a relationship with the archetypal Feminine.
The lone wolf archetype is appealing. The problem? Most of us are lonely. Human beings evolved in community, relationship is in our DNA. Because of this, we can’t ever truly accomplish anything on our own. We are irrevocably connected to others, and we depend on them. Most often we defend ourselves against realizing our dependence. However our actions are embedded in a system of reciprocity with others, that sometimes means we need to depend on them. This opens us up to appreciate our togetherness rather than some ideal of hyper-individualism. We might say this is a relationship with the Archetypal Feminine.