New Year, Same Sh*t? A Referendum On Change

So you want to change, but do you really want to change?

Most of us are ambivalent when it comes to change; meaning that we have mixed feelings about it. Maybe we know it would be good for us, but maybe we will just do it later. Maybe we don’t want to actually put effort in. Maybe we are scared! Maybe we just don’t think the problem is big enough to warrant an adjustment.

But then that other part of us comes up. Something about the current status quo is not satisfying. We end up feeling depleted. Self-doubting. Irritated. Prone to conflict.

So what do we do?

There isn’t really an easy answer here. My experience tells me that change takes work. It takes a willingness to actually do something different. In a therapeutic sense, I believe that we are all working with both forces inside of ourselves; the forces that want us to expand, grow, let go, and the forces that are trying to hold tightly, to protect, to keep the status quo.

We know that whatever action we take produces an effect, and when actions are habituated they become more entrenched as patterns, thus change takes more effort. Now this may not hold true in every instance; I am sure there are examples of sudden epiphanies and changes. In general though in order for change to be sustained, it takes more than an epiphany.

In the context of therapy, the clients that I see get the most out of it are the clients who are willing to invest in self-revelation outside of the therapy process. In other words, when clients come to therapy once a week and haven’t truly engaged in relating to themselves, making room for their emotions, being curious with their reactions, well it is much less likely they will make genuine progress in therapy. Therapy is only one hour a week! There is a lot of other hours during which our habit patterns are automatically happening. If we don’t cultivate curiosity and self-reflection outside of therapy (which takes time and effort) our reflection in therapy is going to be limited in its depth.

It is natural to have mixed feelings about change. If we want to change, and we have been unsuccessful then it is important to ask the question, what is holding me back? What is the part of me that doesn’t want to change? And to really give that part space inside of our hearts and minds - to give it attention and time.